Ways to keep warm

This is a public service announcement from us (the only person) here at TDR, educating you on some great alternative ways to stay warm this winter. Grab a cup of hot cocoa and pull up a chair, kids!

1. Take fat chicks home

2. Throw molotov cocktails in your path

3. Attempt to fly south



4. Let George Lopez heat you with his freaky eyes

5. Kidnap - it works up quite a sweat

I suppose you could just stick to bundling up, but I strongly advise against it; It's less fun, you look like a bitch, and makes you very susceptible to falling down hills.

Rape's another good one, but if you're ANY fun, that's included in "kidnapping" as well.

Time Travel

Aside from the confusion about paradoxes and drastically changing shit, there are of course those things we all would do/change if we could travel through time -- live a healthier lifestyle, be nicer to people, invent facebook, etc. Aside from those obvious and more "meaningful" changes, I'd love to go back in time just to, for lack of a better term, completely fuck with people. Yes, of course I'm going to list a few examples:

Homestuck image dump

I'm posting this simply for the purpose of being able to post it in the Homestuck forums. Hope people who read it enjoy this sloppy mash-up

slightly smaller version

The Majesty of Sandwiches

Let's cut right to the chase: I just decided (while surfing the internet with my Droid while on the toilet) that sandwiches are extremely powerful - not in the sense that they can destroy the entire history of bears with one punch (because we all know that's Chuck Norris' job), but because they command so much respect and value. Much like Rosie O'Donnell.

THE THREE MAIN ELEMENTS OF SANDWICHIAN MAJESTY:

Element 1: Deliciousness

I think we can all agree that sandwiches cause mouthgasms. Something about putting ingredients between two slices of bread (or three if you think you're fancy with your snooty club sandwich, you highfalutin prick.) just makes everything (aside from cauliflower [the devil's legume]) taste amazing.

As the science shown above clearly indicates, sandwiches without bread are a pile of gross play-doh blobs, or something like that. And as we know from basic science, play-doh tastes like Poseidon's salty butthole - a flavor which, while very arousing, is not very hunger-quelling. Hunger-quelling: 2011's top buzzword. Bet everything you own on that.

Element 2: Love

If you are alive, regardless of sensory capabilities, you love sandwiches. Immutable fucking FACT. Therefore, offering to buy/make/burglarize a sandwich for someone is pretty much the most thoughtful and amazingly heroic thing a human or lesser being can do. The best thing ever is having a sandwich waiting for you at the end of a tough day at work.

That's some serious science. I do NOT fuck around with statistics involving rhinos.

Anywho, as you can see, hyper-dense love is embodied in sandwich form - i.e. - if you have a sandwich, you command love from everyone.

Element 3: Power

Similar to how possessing a sandwich comes with great power, giving one a sandwich is submitting great power. Although it garners great honor and love, it also shows that you're retarded, and a pussy. It makes no sense to not eat every sandwich you possibly can, and giving one away or allowing one to be taken before (and in my opinion, after) death is an inexcusable act of cowardess and displays ultimate weakness on the submitter's behalf. "Make me a sandwich" didn't come as a pompous self-superiority phrase out of thin air. Science, history, science, physics, and science, folks. Try and keep up.

Labcoats. Beakers. Chalk.

The Girlfriend Toss

I have decided that I am a terrible person -- this may not come as a shock to some of you that know me well, and this most certainly won't come as any shock to those of you who know me solely through my comics/blog posts. This particular revelation came to me through an entry on TFLN.

"Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you."

I immediately had the urge to throw my girlfriend, as far as I goddamn could.

As a man of considerable "bulk" (read as: a marginal amount of muscle and a considerable amount of fat), I can easily pick up most people that I know. My girlfriend also happens to be tiny; I'm pretty sure she could find clothes for herself at Baby Gap without an issue.

Being the terrible person that I am, I instantly got excited about the idea of trying to toss my girlfriend as far as I possibly could. I began devising ways to do so with the greatest possible height, horizontal distance, and of course, injury.

After mulling over a few ideas that involved catapults, trebuchets, and other mechanisms, I decided that I should do the honorable thing and stick to throwing her using only my own strength. The three options that would probably work the best would be throwing her up and over my shoulder, holding her by the legs and spinning and letting go, and having her stand/sit on my hands as I shove her at a 45 degree angle into the air. Option 3 seems to be my best bet for total distance, as the spinning throw would probably lose distance due to centripetal force (idiots, read as: the spinney motion), and the fireman throw over the shoulder would have a high likelihood of friction drag. Giving her a "ten-fingers" launch (perverts, read as: you are disgusting but I thought the same thing) would utilize my arms, back, and legs in one fluid motion, and create the best trajectory.

Now all I need to do is find a way to lure her to stand on the palms of my hands.