The Girlfriend Toss

I have decided that I am a terrible person -- this may not come as a shock to some of you that know me well, and this most certainly won't come as any shock to those of you who know me solely through my comics/blog posts. This particular revelation came to me through an entry on TFLN.

"Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you."

I immediately had the urge to throw my girlfriend, as far as I goddamn could.

As a man of considerable "bulk" (read as: a marginal amount of muscle and a considerable amount of fat), I can easily pick up most people that I know. My girlfriend also happens to be tiny; I'm pretty sure she could find clothes for herself at Baby Gap without an issue.

Being the terrible person that I am, I instantly got excited about the idea of trying to toss my girlfriend as far as I possibly could. I began devising ways to do so with the greatest possible height, horizontal distance, and of course, injury.

After mulling over a few ideas that involved catapults, trebuchets, and other mechanisms, I decided that I should do the honorable thing and stick to throwing her using only my own strength. The three options that would probably work the best would be throwing her up and over my shoulder, holding her by the legs and spinning and letting go, and having her stand/sit on my hands as I shove her at a 45 degree angle into the air. Option 3 seems to be my best bet for total distance, as the spinning throw would probably lose distance due to centripetal force (idiots, read as: the spinney motion), and the fireman throw over the shoulder would have a high likelihood of friction drag. Giving her a "ten-fingers" launch (perverts, read as: you are disgusting but I thought the same thing) would utilize my arms, back, and legs in one fluid motion, and create the best trajectory.

Now all I need to do is find a way to lure her to stand on the palms of my hands.